The mouth starts to get dry; nerves make the heart beat faster and the stomach churn; excitement builds but at times it is difficult to tell the different between excitement and anxiety, the nerves overwhelm; the mind whirls with the previous demonstration – did I work well? If not, why not? And how am I feeling? Is my energy in a good place? Am I grounded, centred? AM I FEELING SPIRIT?
And all of this a good three hours before the actual demonstration!
Deep breath. And then…the love pours in and the heart chakra expands with such beauty and resonance that everything else fades and I am left with the sheer perfection, joy and love that is spirit and none of the above matters.
It doesn’t matter that I (and probably every other medium on platform) is left with no ‘fall back’, no ‘plan B’ if things don’t flow. It doesn’t matter that I might get up on platform and ‘fail’ the audience (of course it does matter but it doesn’t change the willingness). It doesn’t matter because I am serving spirit and in that moment of pure resonance, there is no doubt that this is what they want me to do. There is no place for the ego of ‘will I look a twasak if my links aren’t taken?’ (and there are times, 2 in particular spring to mind, when I did fail spectacularly on platform) because how can I deny the will and love of spirit?
And there is that sense, that awareness from spirit when things are going to be challenging and stretch me. There is that tiny change in energy from my guide that just says ‘here we go, hang on in there, we have got you’. But I do question ‘is it me? is it spirit?’ when things don’t work as well as they could. I do ask why? What are you teaching me? What do I need to learn or do differently?
I got my first platform demonstration by accident rather than by my design. A medium had pulled out of an Easter Sunday service and I was asked to step in. Was I nervous? No, not at all…I was absolutely freaking petrified! However, I am a great believer in synchronicity, in things happening with divine timing and I felt that if Spirit had made the opportunity for me, then even if I didn’t feel ready (and actually do we ever feel ready? For anything?), they knew that I was ready. Was I? Well, yes probably although really that isn’t for me to say but for the people who were there that evening.
Since then, I have never stopped. What an absolute and utter blessing, and what amazing validation from Spirit and from the wonderful churches and spiritual centres that book me. It has been a roller coaster of a ride, and then some! And I am sure that my experience is not vastly different to any other mediums foray into the wonderful but wild world of platform.
I didn’t have a development group to belong to when I started working. One had finished a little while before and another that I had recently joined, I then had to leave due to circumstances at home. That first 18 months of working professionally was a trial by fire; Spirit were developing me on platform – they didn’t have any other avenue and I am pretty sure that even if there had been, they would still have developed me as I was working. I literally never knew how I would work until the communicator came and I opened my mouth. (And they are still developing me, that will never change but I am perhaps more comfortable with that sense of being a ‘work in progress’ when I am actually working!)
As well as developing my mediumship, it was a lesson in absolute trust. Have I learnt it? As much as I can, as any of us can at any moment in time as I am sure that we all know that as soon as we learn what we are meant to, Spirit open the door and take us deeper, to the next level and then we realise, don’t we, that the lesson we took on board previously was just the tip of the iceberg and into the rabbit hole, once again, we go!
It is supposed to get easier each time on platform. I don’t feel it does. If anything it gets harder. The responsibility becomes greater – to do a good job, the absolute best you can; to make sure you don’t let Spirit down, let down those people coming; to hold the energy; to keep everything flowing; to keep everyone engaged, especially those that don’t receive a message; to relax and enjoy it too because working with Spirit in this way is such joy that it can literally take my breath away.
It doesn’t get easier. You know what you can do when you are at your best and you measure the demonstration by that. Could I have pushed harder, worked better, brought through that extra bit of evidence? Did I allow that feeling of Spirit to be felt, to be known, to be received? It gets harder because my expectation of myself is greater, because Spirit push and challenge more, yet it also does get more wonderful because of that joy of connection with Spirit.
The nerves remain; the excitement remain; the flashback of the past remains; and the love that flows so beautifully just before I work remains. The commitment remains. The desire to allow Spirit remains.
There isn’t a single communication that I don’t reflect on, and yes perhaps I am my own harshest critic, as most of us are in so many areas of life, but reflecting is part of allowing and enabling yourself to learn from every experience and to grow.
I always get nervous before a demonstration. I always want to work the best way for Spirit at that time – and I will be honest and say that in my heart, I do serve Spirit before the congregation or audience. I always dedicate myself and my energy to their flow. I have my ‘wish list’ – those aspects of communication that I would like, that are important to the recipient but I always end with asking Spirit to work with me in the way that they wish to, to enable me to bring through what they wish to be known, felt.
I don’t know if this makes me a medium in the traditional sense of the word. Do I value the traditional aspects of mediumship? Yes I do and that sense of their love and well-being is so important for a loved one wanting, needing that connection but I value Spirit more and I trust in their intelligence, and in their love for us, to work in the way they need to to bring through what they need to – and perhaps that isn’t always for the moment but forms part of a bigger picture that we can’t yet see…
Does it make me doubt my ability? Sometimes – and perhaps the day that I stop doubting is the day that I stop reaching for the ‘more’ that I know I am capable of; the day that I stop realising that there is always room for improvement. I am incredibly privileged to be able to work with Spirit in all the forms that I do but it didn’t ‘just’ happen. I have worked hard; I have sweated the figurative blood and tears and more besides – and I would do it again (and no doubt Spirit will call on me to!) in a heartbeat.
So, it doesn’t get easier; it does get harder – but I wouldn’t have it any other way and neither would any other medium I know. Someone told me a few days ago that I must be mad to get up on platform; to have no script, no planned agenda. Perhaps I am mad, but if I am it is a beautiful madness that seems far more real sometimes than the physical world we live in.
Fledglings beware! Are you ready? Better have those seat restraints strapped tight for you are on the rollercoaster of your life!
Whatever we do, we can only trust in ourselves, trust in Spirit and work with integrity, commitment and love.