I want to share a story. It forms the basis of what I know to be the absolute and totally encompassing love of Spirit….
A good number of years ago now – and I hadn’t even considered developing mediumship at that point in time, in fact I never really did consider it, it just sort of happened by accident on a workshop I attended, when spirit call, they call! – I was on holiday in Spain. It was very early September, weather was fabulous if you like hot, hot, hot (and I do J); scorching days and balmy nights.
As is often the case when the night is almost as UK daytime temperatures (!), I tossed and turned a fair bit and I ended up getting up at around 4.30 or 5am to make a cuppa. I sat on the balcony, watched the early morning and then padded back to bed.
As soon as I lay down, something strange happened. I suddenly felt as if my entire body was vibrating, and not just a little bit – it was normal tea, I promise! A second later, it felt like I was zooming upwards, up a tunnel and then I was in what can only be described as a room but it was a room of light. The walls were light – a density of light, I couldn’t see through them and the light wasn’t like a light-bulb light, it was bright but not a harsh light.
I then realised that I was light, a different density of light to the walls but light nonetheless, and wherever I seemed to move within this room I was always in the centre of it. I was thinking, there was a curiosity there you understand but at the same time I wasn’t thinking, I wasn’t wondering because I simply knew I was in spirit. Almost as soon as that thought occurred I became aware of three other spirit beings in the room with me, in front of me and again they were a density of light (everything was all white light by the way rather than other colours just different densities of light). It felt like they were a panel and I was aware of the words being given to me ‘You must experience the pain of true grief’. All through this experience, I was aware of the most intense feeling of love that I had (or have) ever experienced. It was of such an intensity, such a purity, so unconditional that it was truly overwhelming and yet not, because it felt perfectly natural and perfectly right. I wasn’t just surrounded by it, I was it. It was encompassing absolutely every atom of my being and at the same time it was flowing from me as well as toward and through me.
The moment the words had been given I felt myself falling and a second later I was aware of lying on my bed. Now at that point, my mind was whirling and wondering like never before, I can tell you! And yes, I did have a second or two of panic when I recalled the words but the panic subsided the moment I remembered the feeling of love that had been ever present.
I cannot tell you how I knew I had been in spirit; I just do. I can’t tell you why I never questioned the experience; I simply didn’t. I trusted it then and I trust it still. It’s why I never ever think of the need to protect myself or my energy from spirit, or when I work with spirit – spirit would never harm me or anyone. It’s why I don’t get hung up if I don’t ‘see’ a visual representation of my helpers or guides; I didn’t see a person, I felt and experienced an energy.
About 5 years after that experience my grandfather passed. I adored him and I was absolutely the apple of his eye; he was the first person I had loved to pass so I had never experienced grief in that sense before and I was a mess. It was very tempting to shut it all down, to pop that British stiff upper lip in place and try to carry on, and I probably would have done exactly that as that was likely to have been my natural inclination based on who I was then except that I remembered the experience with spirit and the words that I had given.
So I let myself be the mess that was grief and it did change me in a way that it probably wouldn’t have otherwise. My father died the following year, and again, I let myself be what I needed to be.
I don’t know if that was what spirit had meant when they had said I needed to experience the pain of true grief, to allow myself to feel it, to experience it? Maybe it was or perhaps that is yet to come or perhaps it relates to something other than the grief we feel when a loved one passes.
I do know that spirit never give us anything that we can’t cope with; that they never give us anything bad out of ‘karma’ or out of belief or reason that we should suffer.
I do know that spirit is absolute, total and all encompassing, unconditional love. And because we are spirit so too must we be absolute, total and all encompassing, unconditional love. We are that in every single moment.