I want to tell you a story…
There was a girl born into a decent middle class family. Her parents split just before she was born and so her mother became a one parent family with the support of her parents who helped bring the little girl up during her early years as her mother often worked away where she earned good money to support her daughter.
The little girl often found it difficult to express herself articulately as she was emotional and sensitive and this wasn’t as understood then as it is now.
She was good at school but with no real passion for any subject except perhaps English literature – she loved stories.
At ages 11 and 12 she was sexually abused.
From 14-16 years old she suffered with anorexia, at one point being skeletal.
From 16/17 years of age and for the next ten years or so she would suffer with bulimia.
She left school at 16 with only a handful of GCSE’s to her name, not knowing what she really wanted to do or where she wanted to be.
She didn’t realise it but she also started to suffer from depression from about age 20 – it wouldn’t be diagnosed until she was in her late twenties. She found it difficult to cope with her emotions, which were spiralling all over the place and which she simply didn’t know how to handle.
At age 22 she attempted to commit suicide. She had a self hatred that it would take years to eradicate.
At age 23 she met the man she would fall in love with, and remain in love with for the next 23 years and counting. When the relationship finished five years after it had begun, she shattered into so many pieces she didn’t know if she would ever be whole again.
She auditioned for drama school when she was 24 – only realising at the end of the 3 year course that the reason she wanted to act was because she wanted to be someone other than herself.
At age 24 she looked for her father, finding him and speaking with him within the space of a week. They corresponded for a year as he lived in the US and then she went out to meet him – she realised in him so many things about herself that hadn’t ‘made sense’ before.
At age 28, she packed up and left for the US – no heroics; she simply found it too painful to be in the same city and the same country as the man she loved and was afraid she would never be whole again if she didn’t leave. She spent three months with her dad and then went up to LA where she worked in a hostel, for a magazine and a shoe shop (all under the radar!).
It was one of the best decisions she ever made – for the first time in her life she knew no one and therefore no one knew her nor had any expectations of who she was or what she might be like. It was the first time in her life she was free to get to know herself without that being partly formed from others opinions of who she should be.
A year later she came back to the UK and life plodded on but knew there was something more to life even if she didn’t know what. She felt that she had failed at absolutely everything that life had ever offered or that she had tried to do.
A couple of years later, whilst walking from the train station in Enfield to her flat she threw her arms wide and asked to Universe to ‘take me and show me what life is all about’. Finally she was starting to allow herself to unfold.
She still suffered badly with depression, sinking deeply in the bad times but fighting to keep going in the good. Falling down, hiding in the tunnel during the darkest periods but refusing to stay down.
She woke up one morning with the name Kunzite being shouted to her. It was a crystal, she bought a piece, put it under her pillow and had past life dreams. She couldn’t tell you how she knew they were of a past life, she just knew. And she trusted what she knew.
She trained in crystal therapy, reiki, Indian head massage and flower & gem essences. Whilst sitting on a yew tree, she had a connection with an angel – again she just knew it was an angel. So many things happened that she hadn’t learned but she simply knew.
When she went on holiday, one morning she woke at 5am, got up, made a cup of tea and soaked in the morning quiet. When she went back to bed, she was suddenly travelling up a tunnel and was then in a room which was made of light. She was light, the walls were made of light and wherever she moved (although she didn’t actually have a body as such) she was always in the centre of the room. A voice said to her that she must experience the pain of true grief; the feeling of love that surrounded her was such that it will be imprinted on her memory forever. A second later, she was back down the tunnel and back on the bed. She wasn’t afraid of the words because of the love that came with them.
When she was 33 her grandfather died and she was overcome by grief; she remembered the words from the experience above and let the grief be what it needed to be.
When she was 34 her father died. Grief and guilt, for the times they hadn’t had, hit hard and again she remembered the words spoken to her. She couldn’t function. After her father’s passing she moved back to Lincolnshire, trying to find time and a place to heal.
She went to local mind, body, spirit event to meet like minded people interested in therapies and signed up for a spiritual development day, little realising it was about connecting to spirit through the arena of mediumship. It stunned her and a new door opened.
She joined a teacher training scheme and achieved a Certificate in Education, realising that she could write and work at an academic level.
When she was 36 she was given Angelic Signatures – channelled energetic signatures that connected to specific angels. She never doubted what they were, took them to mind body spirit shows and when she was 44 she had published her first book which contained the signatures received to date.
She still suffers from depression but every day that she gets up is a day that can be won, can be lived and can be loved. She flounders but she refuses now to fall down completely.
The person is me…but you’ve probably realised that by now? 🙂
Why am I sharing this? Firstly because I feel compelled to and when I feel compelled to do something I follow that intuitive guidance – I trust that it helps where it needs to.
Secondly because so often we look at what we would like or what we need or who we want to be and we think ‘I can’t’ or ‘I’m too old to do this’ or ‘I don’t have the time to start over’ or ‘I’m not good enough, pretty enough, skilled enough’ and so on and so forth.
You are, you can and you do. What is absolutely needed however is the belief in yourself.
Every single person on this planet has a struggle, a challenge, a mountain that they have climbed, that they have had to climb. I have broken, shattered into too many pieces to ever count, fell down, raged, cried more tears than I ever felt possible and everything else that you can possibly imagine!
Yet if I could live my life over the only single thing that I would change is to take the opportunity to have spent more time with my father before he passed. I wouldn’t change anything else. Because my life, all of it, has made me who I am today.
We succeed not despite our struggles but because of them. Because they force us to dig deep, to uncover resources and reserves of strength, determination, tenacity, and yes love, that we would never have realised otherwise.
I am not special. I am just like everyone else – here to shine my light in the best way that I can at any given moment in time.
The life that you have been gifted, whatever its’ challenge, whatever it has asked of you (and all that it will ask of you) – all of that has led to you now and will continue leading to the greater you, the further unfolding of everything that you are.
To the shining, unique, amazing being that you are. To the YOU that you are here to be, with all your wonderful flaws and quirks and idiosyncrasies that make you YOU.
To your light shining. To your truth being voiced. To your song being sung.
Trust in the path that life is leading you down, in the doors that it is opening and also the doors that it is closing.
There is no such thing as perfection; there is only you as you are in any given moment. There is no such thing as perfect timing, there is only now. Life happens to us, takes us where we need to be when we are focusing on something else – we need to be open to seeing the signs and trusting in our own resilience.
Believe so totally in the power of who you are that no one can ever undermine it. Shine your light so brightly and believe in it so strongly that the most ferocious wind cannot blow it out; the darkest night cannot dim it.
Nothing is without challenge – it is in the getting up, time and time again, that we truly succeed.